Most men assume that giving up being a nice guy means you have to give up on being nice completely. That’s also why a majority of them resist change – they don’t want to be seen as assholes.
While this is a fair point, they fail to understand that you can still be nice to people, you just have to give up the negative behaviors associated with being “the nice guy”. This way you will always have a chance with most women you meet.
And that’s why you’re here, right? You want to learn how to stop being the nice guy in most social settings because you already know that he is usually the one getting the short end of the deal. Or maybe you know that whenever he interacts with women, he will often be ignored.
No matter the case, you’re here to change things, so let’s take a look at what you can do.
The Underlying Problem
The major problem with most nice guys is that they aren’t actually that nice. When they’re being courteous to others, it usually comes with an ulterior motive – they’re secretly hoping to get something in return. Whether this is respect, acceptance or love, nice guys use nice deeds to get something they desire.
What this means is that most nice guys are only this way to a woman because they hope to get somewhere with her. They hide their intentions behind the good guy act because they are terrified of rejection. That’s why the same guys desperately try to win her over by doing her favors and always being there for her. But this rarely works on a woman and can actually lead to a lot of anger and resentment when she shows no interest in them.
If you’re in the habit of doing considerate things for women (or people in general) just because you think you’ll get what you want from them, you have to put an end to this and be honest about your intentions. There’s nothing wrong with trying to get laid, but hiding it behind good deeds in the hopes that a woman will feel obliged to repay you is not going to work. If you want something then you need to go for it.
Does this mean doing considerate things for others is off-limits? Of course not! But do these things because you want to do them, not because you hope to get something in return. People value honesty and authenticity more than nice deeds in disguise (most people will recognize a suck-up).
To drop the nice guy façade, start by being honest with yourself and actually admit to yourself that you’re guilty of this behavior. Also, be honest with women. Don’t pretend you want to do things for a girl when you actually intend to date her. If you like her, let her know. It’s always better to risk with rejection than to waste your time and energy on a girl who isn’t interested and end up in the friend zone.
From Nice to Attractive
Here’s how to stop being the nice guy: start to love yourself and stop seeking the validation of others. Yes, that’s basically it. If you fix these two things about yourself, you will rid yourself of the nice guy syndrome and women will actually begin to get curious about you. But, let’s take a closer look at what changing these two things will accomplish:
Start to Love Yourself
The biggest flaw with most nice guys is their lack of self-love. Whenever a nice guy considers approaching a girl, his excuse for not doing so is usually because she is out of his league. Now, whether you think this is true or not (it isn’t) is irrelevant, what counts is that she will always seem out of his reach with this kind of attitude. He places her way above himself and consequently eliminates himself from her potential partners.
If you don’t love yourself the way you are, you lack the needed self-respect and confidence to attract the opposite sex. Even if you managed to approach a girl with a negative mindset, you will still fail because you’re not seeing her as an equal but rather as someone too good for you. You will always try to win her over by doing things for her because deep inside you feel that you’re not enough. Even if by some miracle you end up in a relationship with her, you will still continue this behavior simply because you don’t feel deserving of her.
This is where starting to love yourself will positively impact your life. By accepting yourself the way you are, you will let go of all the negative shit that has been keeping you down. You start to trust in yourself and will become more confident in your interactions with people. With your new-found self-respect, you will start to set boundaries (that people actually respect) and have a more positive attitude towards life. And on top of that, the women you approach will respond more positively to you and actually consider you as a potential partner.
So, if you’re in the habit of bringing yourself down, then stop! Accept that you have flaws (you will always have flaws), and never let them influence the view you have of yourself. Accept the way you are because you sure as hell can’t be somebody else (and why the hell would you want to?).
Now, of course, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to change or improve yourself. Just give up the self-hate part. Instead of seeing yourself as a loser, start to see yourself as a guy who is in the process of learning. Every mistake is just an opportunity to learn and grow. Therefore, there is no need to beat yourself up when you make mistakes.
Stop Seeking Validation and Approval
While being nice to people is one thing, going out of your way to win their approval is a completely different story. Since a nice guy isn’t really the self-loving type, he needs others to accept him to feel that worthy. So he does nice shit for others in the hopes of getting the validation he craves. This becomes especially apparent in his interaction with a woman where he does everything she asks for, simply to get her approval (and affection).
If you’re chasing the approval and validation of others, know that this kind of behavior will never make you truly happy. Furthermore, when you put the needs of others above your own, it shows that you do not respect yourself. Without that, you will never get the respect (or affection) from others. Even in a relationship, a woman still wants to be with a guy who respects himself enough that from time-to-time he puts himself first and doesn’t bend backwards to satisfy her every desire.
Give yourself more credit, you’re more capable than you think. Don’t look for others to define you, do it yourself! As a matter of fact, you don’t need people to tell you who you are, so stop trying to win them over. Be whoever you want to be and if someone doesn’t like it, it’s their problem. Become someone like this and you will see how differently women start to treat you.
The only person that can truly influence your life is you. So, as mentioned before, learn to love yourself and you will stop caring what others think of you (and you will also stop the approval and validation seeking behavior).
Now you might be wondering if focusing only on these two things is really enough? To answer: yes and no. By eliminating these two major factors, everything else starts to fall in place. A guy who loves himself will always come across as more confident than someone who hates himself. And if he stops seeking for validation, he will naturally earn the respect and appreciation of others just because he is authentic and emotionally independent (not relying on others to feel good).
So yes, if you focus on these two issues, you will start to change from a nice guy into a guy who will be considered attractive to women simply because he demonstrates traits that show strength of character.
But of course, there is always so much more you can do. It will only speed up the process. And if you’re really motivated to do so, my book The Rules of an Alpha Male is a good start because it will tell you exactly how you will get rid of the nice guy in you and become a better (more attractive) man.
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