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Choosing Between Your Friends and Your Girlfriend

A couple with friends in the backgroundIf you have ever been in a relationship with a woman whom you consider as "the one," you definitely know how it feels. It's a feeling like no other. Almost nothing seems as important to you as being with her. And if you could, you would spend every free moment together with her. You would even miss hanging out with your friends just to be with her.

Hey, they are your friends, they would understand if you choose her over them most of the time. And who doesn't, isn't a true friend anyway!

Right? Wrong!

This way you are heading for a disaster...


Why Always Choosing Her is a Bad Idea

Should you ever start choosing your girlfriend over your friends every time, you will severely damage your friendships with others and eventually ruin the relationship you have with your girlfriend. This kind of behavior is the exact opposite of a healthy relationship. But let me explain.

Whenever you sacrifice activities you had planned with your buddies because of your girlfriend, your relationship with them suffers. Do that enough times and they will decide to stop hanging out with you. Even your best friendships will eventually fall apart if you continue on this path. Sure, most of your friends will understand when you don't always have time for them. However, if you start to shut them out of your life completely, you will lose them fast, even the best ones.

You wouldn't believe how many guys I have seen in this exact situation. Imagine you are the guy in this position, someone who spends all of his time with his girlfriend, and with passing time, she slowly but surely becomes the only friend you got. Your buddies stop calling you because "Why bother? You would say no anyway." This is the worst case scenario a man in a relationship can be in. He basically sacrifices everything he has for her (and she doesn't even want it).

Boy trying to kiss girlBecause all of your interactions happen with only this one "friend," you will become dependent on her company. You will always need to have her around to feel good, and when she isn't, frustration and desperation sets in. With this kind of behavior, you will also start to suffocate her by continually demanding for attention and affection.

Whenever she is out with her friends (because she didn't give them up like you did) you will become jealous. You will start to see every new male acquaintance she makes as a threat and might even start to resent her female friends because she suddenly wants to hang out with them more than she used to. Like you can imagine, this is where everything starts to go downhill.

Sure, the one thing you could always do is to get to know her friends. But whatever you do, these people can't replace your old friends. They would be your acquaintances and not someone you could just call up to hang out with. And what's even more worrying, should you ever break up with your girlfriend, these new "friends" would disappear along with her because they would always choose her over you. And when the day finally comes and you two break up (and it will come), you will have no friends at all.

Now you are in a terrible spot – you are all alone. Whenever you try to patch things up with your old buddies, you will notice that they don't have that much time for you anymore. If you put yourself in their shoes, it will become apparent why. You were the guy who was always "busy" and didn't have time for them, and now when you are all alone and desperate, you suddenly expect them to drop everything and find time for you again. But guess what? They moved on with their lives. They have learned to live their lives without you in it, and all you can do is to accept it and start looking for new friends.

So what exactly am I trying to say here? That you should always choose your friends over the girl? Of course not! If you spend time only with your friends and rarely with your girlfriend, you will definitely lose her. A woman needs your attention, and when she doesn't get it from you, she will get it from someone else.


Finding a Solution

The solution here is to find a healthy balance between the two, so your relationships (with your friends and with your girl) won't suffer. Don't spend all of your time with your friends, but also don't give her all of your attention either. Find the time to go out with your buddies and the time to do something with your girl, so everybody is happy. Remember, balance is the key to all long and healthy relationships.

Also, you have to understand that your girlfriend doesn't actually want you to sacrifice everything for her. Even if she asks for your attention, it doesn't mean you should drop everything and give it to her. Sometimes she just wants to know that you are a man with strong convictions and can stick to your decisions. She might even get upset in the moment, but in the long run, she will respect you for standing your ground.

The real key to a happy and lasting relationship is to keep your partner happy, that's why you have to grow alongside your relationship. If you are unsure how to do that, then here is something that will set you on the right track.

108 comments on “Choosing Between Your Friends and Your Girlfriend”

  1. Hey there,
    I am in a weird situation. I am in my last year of school. For about a year now one of my best mate's has been dating his girlfriend. He spends most of his time at school with his girlfriend and talking with his girlfriend's friends and has no time for me. We try to find time for the bros after school to hang out but it rarely happens because my mates are always busy either with their girlfriend or at work. I feel like I'm the only one in this trying to keep our friendships alive, I'm the only one making the effort. When he is with his girlfriend at school he has no time for me, never talks to me, only rarely. But I'm still there feeling awkward desperately trying to make conversation with one of his girlfriends friends. I have to do this because I have nobody to hang out with and I'll be a loner. Early last year my mate left school to pursuit one of his career ideas and this broke up our friends group, one of my other mates started hanging out with another group of people, and he got a girlfriend from his new group of friends, since then he has been hanging out with his girlfriend and her friends at school and after school. Back to my first mate, I have been forced to hang out with his girlfriend and her group of friends. Despite his girlfriend being kind to me and her friends too I still feel out of place and since my mate never talks to me I feel badly treated as a friend and I just want the bros group back. What should I do because if I stop hanging out with him, his girlfriend and his girlfriends friends I will be a loner and lose all my confidence... But idk.....Thanks if you can give me any advice on what I should do.....

    1. Apart from telling him what you wrote here, there isn't anything you can do. If he doesn't want to spend time with you anymore, you have to find other (better) friends. Just hang out with his girlfriend and her group and try to befriend them.

      Since it's your last year, you shouldn't really concern yourself that much with your current situation anyway. Once you graduate, everything will change and you will most likely have to find new friends. Although your situation sucks, you can always make new friends.

      I think the more disconcerting thing is that you need your friends to be confident. Your confidence can't come from other people, it has to come from within. So, this is something you will need to fix.

  2. I am my boyfriends first serious girlfriend and we have been dating a month and 2 weeks. For the first 3 weeks we saw each other about 4 times a week which i know is a lot but for the last few weeks he has been busy seeing the his friends. I know that lots of the things he is busy with were planned before he started dating me but he is also seeing his friends lots and not organizing anything with me. I feel like i have to make all of the effort to make plans and on Tuesday he canceled plans with me to see his friend and then said it was because he forgot. I know it must be new for him and he doesn't want to appear whipped by his friends but how do i tell him that he needs to organise time with me with out sounding controlling?

    1. I think the best way to tell him this is similar to the way you asked the question. Try something like "look, I'm not trying to be controlling and I understand how important it is to spend time with your friends, but it seems to me like you're not paying enough attention to me". Don't say it in an accusing tone and make it clear to him that you're not asking him to give up his friends for you. But if he refuses to budge on this issue... you have a problem.

      Of course, you should also be fair. If he spends more time with his friends than with you, then that's not good. But don't expect him to give you all of his attention either. As long as you stay fair, you will not come across as unreasonable and controlling.

  3. I'll be honest here, the comments on this blog are not intierly true, they come from somebody who is trying to help but only knows one side of the story and probably only knows the half of it! The only way to make a decision in life is to listen to your head, whatever it tells you to do....just do it!

    1. Saviour? Seriously? With a name like that, you could have at least added something valuable to the comments. The "listen to your head... just do it" bs ain't gonna cut it! But thank you Captain Obvious!

      I have to admit, though, you're partially correct on one thing. I focus on helping men, and so does this site. When women come here asking for help, I try to offer them some advice as well (instead of, you know... just ignoring them). So my advice to women might not be as "polished" as it is to men, but I still know more about this stuff than someone who comes here adding nothing helpful and then accuses me of knowing only the half of it. Nice try, though!

  4. I have a boyfriend and we're dating for 6 months. For the past 2yrs, he has a close friend and has a feelings for that friend (idk if his friend do the same) they're like very clingy to each other like holding hands while sleeping. (He told me the story but it was happened before we're dating)

    I feel like jealous if he's like choosing that girl over me. Tho he said that, he doesn't have feelings anymore towards his friend. I still have doubts and what if's. i dont know what to do. I already talk to him about this issue but still feel the same. And I think his friend was annoyed and hates me, even though i didnt do anything to her. What should I do now?

    1. There is nothing you can do. You have to trust him. If he breaks that trust, then leave him. But you can't come between him and his friends.

      Only if he decides to choose her over you all the time, can you do something about it (talk to him about it and if he refuses to budge, leave).

  5. It's been only a month since I get into a relationship with him. And what I noticed is that he used to spend most of his time with his friends and not with me. He told me that we will have our dinner outside but then when I text him where he is, he was like he's having dinner with his friends. I've waited for him and I even skipped my hostel mess food for him. He should've told me earlier if he's going to cancel our dinner plan. I don't know, if he truly loves me or not. Please help me!

    1. If he spends way more time with his friends than you, then that's usually not a good sign. But, unless the situation you described happens all the time, you don't have to worry just yet. Your best bet is to talk to him and let him know how you feel about it.

      1. If he's 27, still a virgin and spends a lot of time with his best friend(male)and has stated that this particular male friend comes first in his life before me. Is he or could he be gay?

        1. If that's the case, it really looks like it... There is also a slight possibility that he is asexual or terrified of sleeping with you and therefore uses it as an excuse. But I'm really just guessing here, there could be many reasons for his behavior.

          All I can do is to give you the same advice I give men: try talking to him about it (in a non-accusing manner) and if he still puts his friend first, move on and find someone else.

  6. I understand this article is directed towards men and some of the principles apply to women but my situation is a bit different. I am not a clingy girlfriend, I don't expect my boyfriend to not go out and have a guy's night out, in fact I encourage it! I enjoy my space too. But for the last 2 years of our relationship, he has been choosing a girlfriend of his who is very two-faced, over me. He has only known her for about 3 years, during his university years but he says she was there before me, which she wasn't, he says he'll never let her go, he says things like "she is better than you". He doesn't take me out because he says he's on a budget, but then goes out on the weekend with her and comes home drunk. He keeps her messages a secret, deletes everything and reminds me daily that if it's not her, it'll be someone else that I'll have a problem with, so he is not going to give her up for me. I feel alone all the time, I feel 2nd all the time and yet he says "i love you" everyday. How should a girl feel after hearing things like that. He says I'm preventing him from being himself and going out with his friends, absolutely not...all I'm asking is you take me out sometimes maybe with your friends so I can also get to know them. There is no opportunity there for me to know anything and he keeps his world with her completely separate. It truly bothers me and I don't know what to do with it because he's convinced me that I'm crazy and I have insecurity issues...but other than those nasty words and actions, our relationship works. I just don't feel like I can trust him is something wrong with me? Am I thinking down the wrong path? Is my boyfriend supposed to express this to me so that he stands his ground? Wonder if it were the other way around...oh wait I tried asking that and he said I'd be a slut then! Guess after writing this...I think my relationship is on the verge of ending!

    1. Well, I guess you figured it out yourself and I agree with you. He is a hypocrite and definitely hiding something from you. My advice: dump him and find someone better.

      Don't look at his words but his actions. A couple of "I love you"s won't really make up for his behavior!

  7. I am in the situation right now, I lost my best friend and everything.... but I haven't lost my girlfriend yet. I am scared that i will have no one if she dumps me. Wish I saw this sooner

  8. so. my boyfriend and i have been together for 8 months. he told me when we got together his "best friend" was a girl. i thought i could deal with it but i have learned that i cant. she will message him telling him that she is going to "speak her mind to me and that shes going to be a b*tch to me". i have told him i dont want to go talk to her to "work on things" i just want her out of both of our lives, she is the only problem that him and i have. our entire relationship, we have fought twice and both times it was over her. hes so head strong on be friends with her though and i dont know why.. help me. i love him but i cant do this, im done. he needs to choose between me and her.

    1. Sorry Carley, but there isn't much I can help you with. If she is determined to act like a b*tch towards you, you have to make it clear to your boyfriend that this is not something you are going to tolerate. But then again, you should be ready to work on clearing things up with her and get used to the idea that his best friend is a girl, not demand from him to give her up for you. Of course, it is also his responsibility to do everything in his power to clear things up between the two of you, and not just ignore it.

      Ultimately it's still up to you to decide. If you really can't get used to the idea that his friend is a girl, then you have to leave him. He doesn't have to give her up because of you. Only if she is not willing to solve this problem, can you ask him to choose between the two of you.

  9. My best friend has ditched me twice because he and his girlfriend gets into fights exactly when we have something planned. i don't think he's ever gonna change. Should I just move on with my life?

    1. It could be that his gf is jealous because he wants to hang out with you and that's why their fights start exactly when you have plans with him. I wouldn't immediately drop him but talk him about how uncool it is that he ditched you. If you want, you can let him know that if he keeps it up, you will cut him from your life.

        1. That's it? I think there must be a reason behind it. You just have to talk to him about it and find out why he behaves this way. No friend will stand between you and a woman, unless he is jealous (wants her for himself) or truly hates your girlfriend for whatever reason.

  10. I need help my bestFreinds girlfriend told him to stop talking to me and he said he agrees with her what should I do

    1. Apart from talking to your friend and trying to convince him, you can't do anything. Well, maybe find a better friend, someone who doesn't ditch you as soon as he get's into a relationship.

  11. Thank you for telling me this, now I realized how unhealthy my relationship is... Gonna fix it and hope it's not too late!

  12. Well I'm in deep sh*t. My girlfriend thinks I prefer my friend over her. Wish I could've read this in the beginning of our relationship

  13. i've been in this kind of situation. that time i made the wrong decision and lost most of my friends. then she left me and i had to start fixing my relationship with my friends agaon, luckily they forgave me. now i always try to balance things out.

  14. Spot on with this write-up, I actually feel this site needs a great deal more of attention.

  15. Please... take what the author of the article says to heart...I only hope I read it sooner..I have found the love of my life but wasn't worth to give up my friends for her. They both share an equally important spot in your life..even if you love her more than anything, like I love my's not worth it..just isn't. Everything mentioned in the article is correct. Even though I still have her..I am sad because I have lost my friends. Treasure them like you treasure her.

    1. I have felt the same loss that you have Leo.. I lost my close friend of 5 years that has been there for me through a major health crisis, and a major breakup.. The girlfriend made me choose between the two of them and my hand was forced.

  16. Such a good article. Balance is the key in all things, I suppose. I guess this is a big part of growing up, learning balance. Thanks for this article, I needed it.

  17. Hey, you used to write fantastic, but the last few posts have been kinda boringˇK I miss your great writings. Past several posts are just a little bit out of track! come on!

  18. I am not certain the place you're getting your information, however great topic. I needs to spend some time learning much more or working out more. Thanks for great information I was searching for this information for my mission.

  19. It's the opposite way around for me, but most of my friends have relationships themselves even harder to see my own friends! I agree we all need our space and time and see our friends, I haven't seen mine in months but I also realized along the way who is more a loyal friend to me than others. Far and foremost, your significant other should be a person's first priority. But when the other significant other is going around doing what his buddies do meetin a random chick and letting her tattoo you randomly, that's where the girl has a right to put her foot in. I gave up my whole crazy drinking fun party life due to his insecurities, but what about mine? Where do mine get into consideration? If I did this it'd be totally wrong and I'd be a bad girlfriend, but it's "okay" for him to do it. No. This is where a girl steps in asks do you want to marry your friends or do you want to marry me? Are your friends there for you or do they get you in more trouble then they are there for you? Who helps you out in life more? Whose more loyal? Whoever the person to the answer is should be the one you listen to most and make first priority. Friends, I don't say not to see them just you don't see me doing stupid shit anymore if I do go out so why should you? You can see them, chill with them, but the little boy shit that came from your single life has to go. Reality.

    1. This article is directed towards men but the same principles apply to women as well. Never let a guy come between you and your friends. Yes, you will lose friends when you're in a relationship, but if you have to give up on your best ones because of him (because of his insecurities) then this relationship won't have a happy ending!

      You are absolutely right about the last part. If you commit yourself to a relationship, you have to grow up and take into consideration what the other person needs!

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