Many men assume that giving up being a nice guy means giving up being nice completely. That’s also why some of them refuse to change – they don’t want to turn into assholes.
And while this is a fair point, they fail to understand that you can still be nice to people without turning into “the nice guy”. All you have to do is to give up the negative behaviors associated with one.
By doing so, you will still have a chance with most women you meet!
And that’s why you’re here, right?
You want to learn how to stop being a nice guy because you already know that he is usually the one getting the short end of the deal when it comes to women.
Or maybe you know that whenever he displays some interest in someone, he will usually get rejected.
No matter the case, you’re here reading this because you want things to change!
So let’s do that… but first, let’s dig a bit deeper!
The Problems with Being Nice
There are actually two problems with being nice. But without understanding them or what you can do about them, you’ll keep repeating the same mistakes again and again.
That’s why we have take a look at both of them before we can do anything else!
So, let’s start with…
Problem 1: Not that Nice
The problem with most nice guys is that… they aren’t actually that nice to begin with!
I know, seems a bit contradictory.
But here’s why:
When nice guys are being courteous to others, it usually comes with an ulterior motive – they’re hoping to get something in return.
Whether this is respect, validation, acceptance or love, nice guys use nice deeds to get something they desire.
If you allow me to play psychologist here, I would say, that this behavior stems from their childhoods where they were taught that in order to get something, they would have to give something first.
Thanks to this, they go around doing things for others and when other reciprocate, they feel better about themselves.
In turn, this reaffirms their belief!
But there’s one area where this doesn’t work – attraction. Hoping a girl falls for you because you do things for her, is not how attraction works!
She either likes you or she doesn’t… no amount of niceties will change that!
This is also where we start to see the darker side of a nice guy…
They use niceness as a bargaining chip and are usually only nice towards women because they hope it leads to something.
That’s why they desperately try to win a girl over by doing her favors and always being available 24/7. But since this never works, it will eventually also lead towards resentment!
This means that some nice guys have gone through this cycle enough times – doing things for girls and as a “reward” getting rejected – that they have started to resent women because of it.
And if they can’t escape this cycle, it can lead to a really dark place!
Now, if you recognized yourself in the previous sentences…
Or you’re in the habit of doing considerate things for women (or people in general) just because you think you’ll get what you want from them…
You need to stop doing things for others and be honest about your intentions!
Stop doing things for others to get something in return! Do things for them because you want to do them, not because you hope to get something in return.
People value honesty and authenticity more than nice deeds in disguise. And most people will recognize a suck-up and try to avoid them.
And then there’s the thing about intentions…
If you meet a girl, let her know that you like her! Risk with rejection, instead of trying to “win her over” by doing stuff for her! Hiding behind good deeds in the hopes that a woman will feel obliged to repay you is a hopeless task!
This means that you should be honest with women. Don’t pretend you want to do things for a girl when you actually intend to sleep with her.
It’s always better to risk with rejection than waste your time and energy on someone (by being a nice guy) who isn’t interested in you anyway and will eventually break your heart.
Problem 2: Different Perspectives
First, let’s clear up one thing…
When a woman tells you she wants a nice guy, she’s not lying. She actually wants one!
But the reason why man guys still assume otherwise comes down to miscommunication: men and women have very different definitions of what it means to be nice.
Guys who are nice, think that they have to become submissive and overly accepting in order to fill the role of a nice guy! They act like complete wimps around women by doing everything to please them.
Girls on the other hand want someone with a strong character, someone who has his own thought and opinions… but who is also nice.
Think about it…
Why would a woman want someone who doesn’t respect and value himself? Someone who tries to please her while sacrificing his own wants and needs.
When you put a girl on a pedestal like that, you are telling her that she has too much value… and you have none! It completely destroys the power dynamic between the two of you.
It makes any potential of a relationship impossible!
Don’t get me wrong. Women are wonderful and all, but they are also human beings who don’t need any special treatment.
And you definitely don’t have to do everything for them!
So when you look at it from this perspective, it suddenly starts to make sense when “a woman says one thing but means the other”. There’s actually is a logical pattern in her behavior. We, as men, just go overboard with the former!
Nice does not equal weak, supplicating, overly agreeable or any of the sorts!
It… just… means… nice!
A woman doesn’t want a man who is desperately trying to be nice to her, she wants someone equal.
As a matter of fact, let’s take this up a notch and say: she wants someone she can look up to!
And she definitely can’t look up to someone who willingly puts himself beneath her!
Therefore, give up the belief that being nice, you have to give up being the real you!
And isn’t this a relieving feeling?
From Nice to Attractive
Okay, since we have now tackled the two problems, let’s see how you can change things…
If you really want to turn things around and go from nice to attractive, then here’s probably the only advice you need on this topic:
Start to love yourself and stop seeking the validation of others!
Yes, that’s basically it!
If you fix these these things about yourself, you will rid yourself of the nice guy syndrome and women will actually begin to get curious about you.
So, let’s take a closer look at what changing these two things will accomplish:
Start to Love Yourself
The biggest flaw with most nice guys is their lack of self-love!
Whenever a nice guy considers approaching a girl, his excuse for not doing so is usually because she is out of his league.
Now, whether you think this is true or not is irrelevant, what counts is that she will always seem out of his reach with this kind of attitude.
He places her way above himself and consequently eliminates himself from her potential partners!
If you don’t love yourself the way you are, you’ll always lack the needed self-respect and confidence to attract the opposite sex. This is why you try to make up for it with the niceness.
But even if you manage to start a relationship with a girl. It’s your negative mindset will eventually become the reason why she leaves you – you’re not seeing her as an equal but rather as someone too good for you.
This means that you will always try to win her over by doing things for her. Because deep inside, you feel that you’re never enough!
This is where starting to love yourself will positively impact your life!
By accepting yourself the way you are, you will let go of all the negative shit that keeps you down:
- You’ll start to trust in yourself and will become more confident in your interactions with people.
- With your new-found self-respect, you will start to set boundaries and have a more positive attitude towards life.
- On top of that, the women you approach will respond more positively to you and actually consider you as a potential partner.
So, if you’re in the habit of bringing yourself down, then stop!
Accept that you have flaws (you will always have flaws), but never let them influence the view you have of yourself. Accept the way you are because you sure as hell can’t be somebody else (and why the hell would you want to?).
Now, of course, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to change or improve yourself.
Just give up on the self-hate part!
Instead of seeing yourself as a loser, start to see yourself as a guy who is in the process of learning. Every mistake is just an opportunity to learn and grow.
Therefore, there is no need to beat yourself up when you make mistakes.
Stop Seeking Validation and Approval
Now, since we went over this already, let’s dig a bit deeper and see how you can actually change things!
While being nice to people is one thing, going out of your way to win their approval is a completely different story!
Since a nice guy isn’t really the self-loving type, he needs others to accept him to feel that worthy. So he does nice shit for others in the hopes of getting the validation he craves. This becomes especially apparent in his interaction with a woman where he does everything she asks for, simply to get her approval (and affection).
If you’re chasing the approval and validation of others, know that this kind of behavior will never make you truly happy!
Especially if you’re in the habit of putting the needs of others above your own.
It just shows that you do not respect yourself! And without that, you will also never get the respect (or affection) from others!
Even in a relationship, a woman still wants to be with a guy who respects himself enough that from time-to-time he puts himself first and doesn’t bend backward to satisfy her every need.
Give yourself some credit. You’re more capable than you think. Don’t look for others to define you, do it yourself!
As a matter of fact, you don’t need people to tell you who you are, so stop trying to win them over. Be whoever you want to be and if someone doesn’t like it, it’s their problem. Become someone like this and you will see how differently women start to treat you.
The only person that can truly influence your life is you. So, as mentioned before, learn to love yourself and you will stop caring what others think of you (and you will also stop the approval and validation seeking behavior).
You might be wondering right now if focusing only on these two things is really enough?
It kind of is! By eliminating these two major factors, everything else starts to fall in place.
A guy who loves himself will always come across as more confident than someone who hates himself. And if he stops seeking for validation, he will naturally earn the respect and appreciation of others just because he is authentic and emotionally independent.
So yes, if you focus on these two issues, you will start to change from a nice guy into a guy who will be considered attractive by women.
But of course, there is always more you can do. And by doing so, you’ll only speeding up the process!
And if you’re really motivated to do so and want to dive deeper into this topic, then you should know that I just launched a brand new course! It is called Rules of the Alpha Male and it is going to change you from a nice guy to a better (more attractive) version of yourself!