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Choosing Between Your Friends and Your Girlfriend

A couple with friends in the backgroundIf you have ever been in a relationship with a woman whom you consider as "the one," you definitely know how it feels. It's a feeling like no other. Almost nothing seems as important to you as being with her. And if you could, you would spend every free moment together with her. You would even miss hanging out with your friends just to be with her.

Hey, they are your friends, they would understand if you choose her over them most of the time. And who doesn't, isn't a true friend anyway!

Right? Wrong!

This way you are heading for a disaster...

 

Why Always Choosing Her is a Bad Idea

Should you ever start choosing your girlfriend over your friends every time, you will severely damage your friendships with others and eventually ruin the relationship you have with your girlfriend. This kind of behavior is the exact opposite of a healthy relationship. But let me explain.

Whenever you sacrifice activities you had planned with your buddies because of your girlfriend, your relationship with them suffers. Do that enough times and they will decide to stop hanging out with you. Even your best friendships will eventually fall apart if you continue on this path. Sure, most of your friends will understand when you don't always have time for them. However, if you start to shut them out of your life completely, you will lose them fast, even the best ones.

You wouldn't believe how many guys I have seen in this exact situation. Imagine you are the guy in this position, someone who spends all of his time with his girlfriend, and with passing time, she slowly but surely becomes the only friend you got. Your buddies stop calling you because "Why bother? You would say no anyway." This is the worst case scenario a man in a relationship can be in. He basically sacrifices everything he has for her (and she doesn't even want it).

Boy trying to kiss girlBecause all of your interactions happen with only this one "friend," you will become dependent on her company. You will always need to have her around to feel good, and when she isn't, frustration and desperation sets in. With this kind of behavior, you will also start to suffocate her by continually demanding for attention and affection.

Whenever she is out with her friends (because she didn't give them up like you did) you will become jealous. You will start to see every new male acquaintance she makes as a threat and might even start to resent her female friends because she suddenly wants to hang out with them more than she used to. Like you can imagine, this is where everything starts to go downhill.

Sure, the one thing you could always do is to get to know her friends. But whatever you do, these people can't replace your old friends. They would be your acquaintances and not someone you could just call up to hang out with. And what's even more worrying, should you ever break up with your girlfriend, these new "friends" would disappear along with her because they would always choose her over you. And when the day finally comes and you two break up (and it will come), you will have no friends at all.

Now you are in a terrible spot – you are all alone. Whenever you try to patch things up with your old buddies, you will notice that they don't have that much time for you anymore. If you put yourself in their shoes, it will become apparent why. You were the guy who was always "busy" and didn't have time for them, and now when you are all alone and desperate, you suddenly expect them to drop everything and find time for you again. But guess what? They moved on with their lives. They have learned to live their lives without you in it, and all you can do is to accept it and start looking for new friends.

So what exactly am I trying to say here? That you should always choose your friends over the girl? Of course not! If you spend time only with your friends and rarely with your girlfriend, you will definitely lose her. A woman needs your attention, and when she doesn't get it from you, she will get it from someone else.

 

Finding a Solution

The solution here is to find a healthy balance between the two, so your relationships (with your friends and with your girl) won't suffer. Don't spend all of your time with your friends, but also don't give her all of your attention either. Find the time to go out with your buddies and the time to do something with your girl, so everybody is happy. Remember, balance is the key to all long and healthy relationships.

Also, you have to understand that your girlfriend doesn't actually want you to sacrifice everything for her. Even if she asks for your attention, it doesn't mean you should drop everything and give it to her. Sometimes she just wants to know that you are a man with strong convictions and can stick to your decisions. She might even get upset in the moment, but in the long run, she will respect you for standing your ground.

The real key to a happy and lasting relationship is to keep your partner happy, that's why you have to grow alongside your relationship. If you are unsure how to do that, then here is something that will set you on the right track.

108 comments on “Choosing Between Your Friends and Your Girlfriend”

  1. So I just found this thread and I could use some advice. My girlfriend and I have just passed the 1 year mark (Sept 7th), we’ve known each other for a long time and actually met because we have somewhat the same group of friends, one of my buddies sister was her best friend for the longest time. Well in the past year my gf and that best friend have had a lot of fights and now my girlfriend doesn’t want to be around her anymore. Problem is her old best friend is dating another one of my buddies, and I know they talk about my girlfriend when we aren’t around. Lately I’ve been feeling like I have to choose between my friends and my girlfriend. I know at first you want to spend as much time as you can with your significant other, and I understand with me working night shift and her living an hour and a half away for school it’s hard but it seems like for me it’s work, sleep, gf, and if I even hint at hanging out with my friends or not seeing her for a weekend she gets all worked up. Idk maybe it’s just me, I love her with all my heart I know she’s the one I even saved myself for her. I’m just feeling sort of suffocated and I’m not exactly an outgoing person and don’t want to make new friends, I want to keep the ones I have now they’ve been around longer than she has. I really don’t know what to do what to say to her I’m not even sure if the problem is me, my friends, or her. Does anyone have any advice?

  2. My friends have me an ultimatum; said it's them or my girlfriend. My friends told me I needed to break up with her if I really valued the friendship. They said compromise wasn't realistic, and that choosing them meant losing her.
    They claimed that she wedged me from my friend group, that she was changing me. However, the only things changing about me were my priorities; I hung out with her more than I hung out with them. The thing is, they made a group chat w/o me in it and we're making plans w/o me, so I never even knew when they were hanging out.
    Over the course of my relationship with her (8 months now) my friends have become more and more openly disrespectful towards her and I couldn't take it.

  3. My best friend became my girlfriend last year, she used to hang out with my group of friends every often.
    Ever since we got together she expect quality time without our group of friends. The treatment from our group of friends towards her changed too, she can't be comfortable hanging out with the group anymore and expect us to leave them completely as she felt hurtful. We both will lose our friends in this situation, however she doesn't treat them as friends anymore. She don't really have spontaneous friends except me as a partner & I think I'm able to survive without this friendship to prevent her from getting more hurted.

  4. I have an update the guy that put his girlfriend first all the time like he didn't just do it sometimes but all the time and I'm not friends with him anymore I don't talk to him anymore at all actually and I understand he might be hurt but in the long run I think it's what's best for me I couldn't be friends with someone who would actually put their significant other first all the time at all I simply don't have time for that kind of friend this is just part of who I am I don't owe a man friendship if it isn't worth anything

  5. So me and my girlfriend have a lot of fights the last few months and 2 of my good friends said I needed to break up with her because it wasn't healthy. So we broke up only a couple of days later we came back together because I still loved her and i realised not all was bad. But then I told my friends about it and they said I had to choose 2 good friends of mine or my girlfriend ( but i don't know if want to be with her 100%). Should i go for my girlfriend or my friends

    1. Judging by the limited information you gave, go with your friends. If you're not sure whether or not you want to stay with her, already broke up with her once, your friends tell you that the relationship isn't healthy, and you're fighting with her all the time, then it all points to a relationship that won't last long.

  6. Hi i needed an advice from who r the ones which can really help..I m in a long distance relationship since two years we r together and one once in year we meet for approx 2 or 3 weaks last time when he came the last day when he stayed for at the same time I had a school last afterparty and at that day it was his last day we went for together for that party nd for a while I went dancing with my friends he felt ignored and he keeps intimating me again and again that between him and friends I choose friends and went dancing..what should I do?

  7. I am in a long distance relationship. Me and my bf meet after 2 months or so just for 2 hours , the only way to get connected through him is cell phones. He is having many friends sort of extrovert personality he is, and the thing is I don't get enough time with him like how our relationship used to be and how it is now, there is a huge difference just because of this communication gap, the left over time he likes to spend with his family and cousins I told him that am having issues with these things, I even cried like a baby N number of times but ever time he apologize and promises not to repeat in future. I know he loves me a lot and so do I and I don't want to loose him at any cost what should I do please help me through this.

    By the way, we are in a relationship from last 2yrs 6 months.

    1. Sorry, but I don't see this going anywhere. Long distance relationships are hard enough, but when the person you're dating only spends a minimal amount of time with you after being apart for so long, it starts to raise some questions. And even after you bring up the issue and he still does it, it just doesn't seem like he cares that much.

  8. I’ve come to a point in time where my boyfriend spends the majority of his time with his guy friends. I confronted him about it before and he said he was sorry, and it changed for a while. But things reverted back to how they were before. I love him and I love to spend time with him, but I feel as if I don’t get enough. His group of friends definitely get more time with him than I do. But yet when he is with me, he’s wonderful. I don’t want to confront him again because last time I did, it followed with him making jokes about me venting when he leaves me to go with them and how he’s scared I’ll do the same again and he’s scared I’ll take it personally. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice?

    1. As I see it, you've got 2 options:
      1) You talk to him again.
      2) You suffer in silence.

      If you go with the first option (what you should do), stay levelheaded. Don't make demands or ask him to spend all of his time with you, try to find a solution that works for the both of you. And if nothing works... well, you know...

  9. Hey John, so I have been dating this girl for almost 2 years now. We are in long distance. We were together first for few months then I moved to a new country nearby.
    Anyway, so I have had this best friend (female) for over 13 years now. We are very open with each other when it comes to conversation. We can talk about anything. We share each other’s problem. She tell me things and I advise her and viceversa. She stays very far away in some another country (+5 hours) from where I am. And we haven’t even seen each other in a long time. We just talk over phone and chats that too once in a week or so if time allows.
    Now my gf once visited me and checked my phone and read few lines between me and my best friend.
    Let me tell you what exactly she read and went absolutely mad about it.
    Scenario 1:
    My best friend sent me two pics of hers asking me which one looks best for her display picture.

    Scenario 2:
    I asked my friend “ Are you still a virgin?”

    Reading the lines above she declared that I am two timing :/

    I understand she must have been insecure. We had a fight about it but did not come to any conclusion and just let it go at that time.
    Now after few months my girlfriend and I are planning to settle down but apparently she has condition and have asked me to stop talking to my best friend or give her any emotional support or whatsoever. She doesn’t want me to share my problems with my best friend. She said I could share it with anyone but not her. I tried explaining her that she has been my friend for last 13 years and I can’t just stop talking to her or limit my conversations with her.
    We both love each other but I don’t know why she sees her as a threat to our relation. She apparently thinks that one day in future she could be my rebound. I think she is overthinking things.

    I love her but I feel that this condition is invalid.
    What do you think ?

    Sid.

    1. Hey man,

      You're right! If she wants to be with you, she has to accept that your friend is a part of your life. It would be understandable if she asked you to share less with her, but to shut someone out of your life completely just because she asks it… that just isn't fair towards you!

    2. Well, she is saying she is Ok with her being my friend. But i should not discuss any problem with her. Not like i discuss every other problem with my friend. But what if i want to let my heart out to someone. Let's say i had a fight with my GF and i wanna just talk to someone about it...you kow just let my heart out. She doesn't even want me to let my heart out to her. She said no emotional connection whatsoever. Is that fair?
      Sid

      1. I get where you're coming from, sometimes you need to talk to someone else. But I can also understand her side: would you be okay with some dude knowing almost everything about her (and you) and what’s going on in your relationship? Not all people would.

        All I can say is to stay true to your values. If you would be okay with something like that, then stand your ground, but also be prepared to lose your gf if she's not willing to budge. If not, stop sharing with your friend because that would be fair.

  10. My boyfriend gave me a choice? Lose me or shut one of my friend out of my life for his own past reason before we became serious.

    I can't shut my friend out of my life for you, I said.

    Now I lost him. Did I do right thing?

    1. Yes, you did. He should have accepted your friend. Never allow someone to manipulate you in such a way!

  11. I'm in the position where my guy friend is spending most of his time with his girlfriend and guy friends but not me I'm beginning to wonder if the friendship is worth it or should I end the friendship now I'm not really sure he's the right friend for me right now of course he has two jobs and is in medical school now but that has nothing to do with it my point is he doesn't seem to care about me as a friend at all

    1. Well, if he really doesn't care, then you already know the answer. But you don't really have to end the friendship. Start hanging out with other friends and if he happens to contact you, you can still do stuff together. Just don't put him first anymore.

    2. He will sometimes text me back and I see him sometimes but I think he should make his friends more of a priority then he does I'm pretty sure I'm done with this guy I've made it clear that if nothing changes I can't be his friend anymore yeah I've made up my mind

  12. Very well written, while I have never done this myself, I have been on the other end of it multiple times with my best friend. All throughout high school and even now that were fully grown. My suggestion for others in my shoes is by the second or third time they do this, just cut that friend off. Its in their personality to, and it wont be the last time they do it 90% of the time.

  13. Well written article. I am with my BF for over two years now (we do not live together though). We are meeting 2-3 times per week, generally. The one-to-one time we spend together is relatively low 1-2 times per month maximum, apart from this every time we meet - e.g. cooking together, going out,travelling for the weekend etc. - his friends are there with us. He has definitelly a great number of friends and he is kind of a people-pleaser type. In his "close" circle of friends there are at least 3-4 people who have quite a bad effect on him (alcohol, drugs...) My BF has alcohol problems, that he tries to control, however each time he meets these guys they make him feel guilty if he does not drink with them or go out to party. There are two friends, for instance, who he is meeting almost in a daily basis (if I meet my BF he usually invites them to be there with us, apart from this they meet seperately as well). I have the feeling that these friends are putting him under emotional pressure, and he needs to sort of "justify" what and why he is doing with me, I feel they do not respect our personal space, our relationship. If I told this to my BF he spent more time with me without his friend, we even went for a holiday. Then in a couple of weeks later he found himself out of the friend's circle (no invitations, no calls) and my BF felt very bad himself. The friends started to complain that he does not spend enough time with them anymore and they fear that that they will lost him soon. I found myself again in the original situation that we spend 80% of our common time with his friends and I can not really complain as than the friends start labeling me as "clingy girlfriend that he needs to dump as there are plenty of better options outside" (one of them said this earlier). I am not sure whether this situation is normal or what to do. One thing is however sure, I am getting tired of this. Even if we have a great relationship (I love him and we are a really good fit personally) I am thinking of quiting. This will be a very painful situation for both of us, but this situation with the best friends just can not get better anytime soon and I am not sure how long can I wait. I can not ask my boyfriend to choose because that would not be faire or even good for him and I can not change the behavior of others either. So the only way is the way out. What do you think, how long shall I wait?

    1. It looks like your bf is in a relationship with his friends and not you. Your situation is definitely not normal and I would advise you to move on ASAP.

  14. Hi everyone, as a matter of fact, I've been with my girlfriend for over 6 months now and she always want to be with me. I've told her several times that I need time with my friends and she doesn't seem to get my point. I've talk about my relationship to my good buddy for his advices (which really help me) and we both think that she always want to be with me because she doesn't have any close friends, or even any real friends at all. What should be my next move?

    p.s For your information, she will be gone for 2 weeks for a trip in the South of America

    1. There's not much you can do. You can try to help her to find friends and encourage her to take up activities where she is likely to meet new people. But if she refuses and continues this way, you will only have two options: 1) you either dump her or 2) you try to live with it.

  15. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a month now, and like I realized I was already falling into that whole dependency thing. The sad thing though is I didn't have any friends in the in the first place. So what do I do? I'm not that social, and I need help.

    1. Well, my suggestion to you would be to become more sociable. Find activities where you meet other people (preferably men) and try to befriend them. If you have activities you enjoy it also helps with your dependency problem.

  16. I have a friend I'm suspecting is spending all his time with his girlfriend he said he would text me but that was four days ago that's when I thought that maybe he was putting his girlfriend before our friendship it's making me question the friendship which has been the case since he moved away from home it's almost gotten to the point where I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore

  17. Hey, I want to ask for a stranger's advice if I may. So my gf doesn't like the friends I hang out with, mostly because of their personalities and influence on me (they drink - though not alcoholic, I'm from a conservative surrounding). They are not any typical drinking buddies, they are my best buds, they came in to my life before my gf did, basically brothers - you get the picture. And my gf just threw an ultimatum where either I leave my friends entirely or my gf walks. Now, I really do love her more than anything, she is the best thing that ever happened to me, but this is just too much. Also I am not certain wether she is "the one" due to lack of experience (I have only dated twice in my life - yeah I suck at dating) so I'm really don't know which one to choose. Can you help?

    1. Unless your friends have a damaging influence on you, your only option is to let her go. First of all, she might be testing you to see if you have a backbone, and if you give in, she will lose respect for you. But even if she's serious, she has no right to dictate to you who you should hang out with, especially if they are your best friends. Even if she doesn't like them, she still has to accept them, and presenting an ultimatum is not the way to fix things.

      You can always find another girl (especially if you're not even sure if she's the right one) but it's hard to find guys you can consider as your brothers. Also, they will always be your friends, but if you give them up for her and your relationship happens to fall apart, you're left alone.

  18. I'm really in a wierd situation.I have a friend actually, just always with me, help me always.
    Recently I got to know that he is having thoughts on my girlfriend.
    And I just dropped him about two weeks, I meant I didn't talked with him.
    Now I have forgotten all the problems with him.
    But he asked me that who worth,
    Is it me or your girlfriend? So what should I say

    1. Stick with your gf. A "friend" who is interested in your girl and gives you an ultimatum like this, isn't really a friend.